Deeds Done

Surprise! I’m back in Hudson! I kind of love this little town. Right off the train from NYC, quiet, sweet, great food, incredibly over-priced antiques, but otherwise lovely. I think every once in a while I miss a quaint little town in the middle of nowhere. Mon would be thrilled.

I have to admit, I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels a bit, with everything, but mainly with the publishing company. I’m tired from turning up empty-handed. I told myself I was coming up here to search more shops and jumble sales for the books, but if I’m being honest, this is where I first thought to re-open Ackerly Green and now I’ve come up here to re think it.

I have the ability, right now at least, to do whatever I want. Yes, I could find those half-dozen books and do the grandfather I never knew proud. OR…
Maybe I could use AGP to bring about some positive change in the world. I know, I know…

I’m thinking lots of crazy things. Digital, interactive, uncovering fresh talent, children’s authors, young adult… explore what an un-publisher publisher could do with the resources I’ve been gifted. Respect the past, but look forward. I wouldn’t say I’m exactly talented, though I do enjoy writing, but the idea of fostering other people’s talent gets me really excited.

I realise (almost with a “z”) if I only pursued those old books I’d be falling into the same trap my grandfather and his partner fell into… playing it safe. Playing it traditionally. This world, especially right now, needs more people willing to risk everything for change. To be a voice. The work can be dark, edgy, scary, it doesn’t have to be sunshine and rainbows, but it should be new, exciting, different. If I find something that excites me maybe it will excite someone else? That’s really all I have to go on, having absolutely no experience in this industry.

So that’s where I am.

I think I’ll still republish what I’ve found, keep feelers out for the other books, but also start to look forward. I woke up this morning really excited!

And today I finally stopped looking at old musty books and ended up finding the strangest, most wonderful little things… A wax skull, a beautiful bottle of green ink, a candle that smells like blackberries and cassis, a chunk of amethyst crystal, a bottle filled with keys that have seahorse heads on them (and the bottle smells like something wonderful used to be in it) and finally, a little green dragon finger puppet that no one can tell me isn’t actually Herman The Hippocampus.

I just felt drawn to them for some reason and wanted to take them home with me. But I think I’ll spend a few more days soaking in the inspiration and clean air, then home.

Ha. Home. It is home, I guess… Green Manor. Home of the all new Ackerly Green Publishing.

Hey.

Getting to know you has been one of the best, strangest, and most insanely random things that has happened to me in a long time, and I’ve had my share of strange, insanely random things. Writing back and forth with you has been such a great outlet for me, and I hope for you too.

I’ve shared more with you than just about anyone. And I really appreciate that you’ve felt comfortable enough to share everything you have with me. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that as a child. I’m sorry you’ve felt alone for so long. Saying I understand doesn’t make it better, but I do understand the feelings, if not the events.

I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like. No one can, really. And my heart breaks for that little Cole. But look who you’ve become. Look how you picked up all those pieces.

I know you’re reticent to meet. I’m not exactly sure why. I mean, I respect it. I understand to a degree. But if you think that anything about you would push me away, you’re wrong. I’ve already seen your heart and that’s all that matters to me. (cheeeeeeese)

The fact that one of these silly books brought us together just makes this all the more strange and wonderful. You could’ve been on the other side of the world.

Instead, you’re on the other side of the river. 🙂

When you’re ready, let’s “break the seal.” 🙂

DGx

 

P.S. I found myself spelling “realise” as “realize” today! It’s happening! You were right!

I’m not sure what to say, really. Winter is usually a time to hibernate, reflect and be ever-so-slightly morose. Plus New York in winter is absolutely gray and disgusting, but I’m doing well. Fiddling with the house, working away (I’ve attended two writer’s workshop and met some new people), and making plans to meet CS sometime very soon. My life is a happy life.

I did get some bad news from Orvin this week but even that couldn’t bring me down. Seems my dad had a safe deposit box in Switzerland that Orvin didn’t know about until the bank called because they noticed the door of the box had been broken. They inspected the box and found someone had somehow stolen whatever was inside without cameras catching it. They’ve promised an interrogation of the staff, assuming it was an inside job.

I should be despondent. Should be driving myself mad wondering what was inside that box, but I think this journal of his has let me set all of that aside. He wasn’t well. Obsessing over that doesn’t change anything, it doesn’t make me feel anything other than dismay, so I’m trying my best to let it go and not allow it to change how I’m feeling now. I know this isn’t permanent (nothing is) but I want to ride this wave as long as possible.

I’m reframing the idea of my father. He wasn’t there for me when I needed him. But in his death he’s afforded me this amazing chance to step into a life I wasn’t sure I was capable of living. He didn’t need to pay penance, he obviously wasn’t able to care for me, or my mother, but he’s changed my life and I just feel all of those negative feelings melting away into gratitude.

DGx

I have to admit, this is the most contented and grounded I’ve felt in a long time. Not just since NYC, but for ages. I am working on something I’m passionate about, and I’m making this house my own, one bit at a time… (the cold and rain have me in serious nesting mode.)

I’ve even met someone. Well, I haven’t met someone, but I’ve “met” someone. And I will at some point in the (hopefully near) future, meet him.

So all in all, 2017 feels like it’s off to a rather good start.

And now, as is required at this time of year, here is my very hastily put together list of new year resolutions:

1. Find the rest of the AG books.
2. Decide whether I wait to begin reprinting them until I have them all, or plow on so I don’t tear my hair out waiting.
3. Continue researching the inner-workings of successful publishing companies/businesses.
4. Join a writer’s group and meet possible future collaborators.
5. Find some form of cardiovascular activity that I will stick to doing. And do it. Perhaps several days in a row. Weekly (possibly.)
6. Continue to make this house my own. (And being cutthroat about moving/removing things, what’s the point of having this place if I’m not actually living in it. I have to stop feeling guilt over this windfall and just enjoy it. “Why yes, I am a homeowner. Thankyouverymuch” is my new mantra.)
7. Make a special point to stay in touch with Auntie Mon. I regret how little we’ve talked since I moved here.

That’s it. Oh, and continue enjoying having “met” someone. 🙂

What, no mention of my father’s journal? I’ve put it aside. Something about it saddens me. I’ve looked at it from every direction (and every frame of mind) and found something new each time, while somehow losing everything I found before. It’s like he left this sad, dark puzzle and maybe I’m just too happy these days to get my head around it. I’m okay with that, I think. I can always revisit it. Another resolution?

DGx